PAST weather 10.0.0.0.1
IF YOU COULD REWRITE ONE THING FROM YOUR PAST, WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHY?
I’ve often felt myself to be the ocean – at least a part of it, a drop flowing in the unimaginable matrix, molecularly transforming with every wave that hits me. This ocean – I’ve taken to be my life – altering continually yet unfathomably the same. And every opportunity has been like a rain, originating from me yet capable of transfiguring me wholly.
So, If I could go back in time and rewrite one moment, I’d hold on to an opportunity that had showered on me a few months ago and would take the “leap of faith”, trusting myself to be worthy of a scholarship that seemed greater than my existence and my dreams combined. I’d choose to jump ahead, unknown of what’s to come, still being my most loyal companion.
This rain, sure, was at a time when I had come back from a year long tiring shift of life and where I wasn’t remunerated with the result, that I shed my thoughts during the day and my sleep at night for. I drained myself during this job, letting my desires wait for me as I whiled my Odyssean quest.
Deluged with this downpour, I came to realise that what made me let go of this opportunity was how futile my hard work seemed to me after not getting what I wanted. This shift exhausted me because I failed to put faith in myself when I had committed to an examination with all my heart and soul. I remember sharpening my weapons daily, fighting new demons in my preparation, only to finally find my arsenal looted and emptied by my own thoughts of failure and the innate feeling of not being enough. So I’d rewrite how I failed to put trust in my work and would pass this hurdle with a smile of contentment and not with the fear of ‘maybe’.
But, gasping for air, I also understood that my frail faith stemmed from the fear I felt two years ago when people turned against me, holding my achievements as the rationale for this treatment. So if I could go back, maybe I’d rewrite how I had recoiled, and distanced myself, and I’d be more confident about the power I hold, what’s more – I’d do better.
Finding the drop sinking deeper, I was struck by a three-year-old memory of how I disrespected myself, losing Sharanya just to fit in with people who only accepted the parts that were a facade. I wish I had taken a stand for myself and put my self-worth before my desire to be accepted. I’d rewrite how I had lost my personality in the pursuit to become like someone who’s “likeable” and I’d do better.
Eventually as I find myself coming closer to the surface again, I realise that in my small yet manageably transient life, I’ve taken several paths because I didn’t believe in myself, thinking that I didn’t deserve all what I dreamt of, and as if I’m nobody being my own self. But, at this pitstop after 18 years, I look back and I see that I’m a product of all the decisions I’ve taken. Maybe I’d have been better if I had done things differently, but that would not have led me to this version of Sharanya.
So, as a drop in the ocean, it seems inconsequential to yearn for a rain that had poured waves ago, because the effect from each rain was different, some like a storm and others like a soft drizzle. It shall continue to tip down on this ocean, irrespective of where a single drop lies – some pours being too far to rush to or too left behind to go against the waves. This drop can only prepare to flow strongly as the next cloud approaches, remembering as Rumi had remarked, “You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.”
By: Sharanya Pandey
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