जग से हारा नहीं मैं , खुद से हारा हु माँ
इक दिन चमकूंगा लेकिन, तेरा सितारा हु माँ….
The lyrics from a Bollywood song hit Harder when you are already drowned in the darkness. I heard this song while lying on a bed, crying my eyes out, feeling helpless and hopeless. Finally, I slept andhad a nightmare, I was surrounded by some people and everyone was holding something.One was holding a laptop the other was holding a violin, one was having a Canvas, One was having a camera, one was having a pen and I was holding a knife. Those people were telling me to use that knife on myself……. I don’t remember what happened next.
Hey forgot to introduce myself… I am whatever… who cares or I should introduce myself as a victim of depression? Yes, feels more relatable. well, my story of depression started 3 years back but the roots started growing seven or eight years back. Since childhood I was very quiet and dumb, my family raised me like a flower. I was just an introverted fool. I never participated in social activities, or gatherings, even I would avoid going to school till grade 12.Now I have selected an under-graduation in Engineering. We all know The Prism Effect, if a monochromatic ray of light is passed through the prism, as a result of refraction we see the different wavelengths or colors of the same monochromatic ray. The same thing engineering did to me. Engineering college was like a prism for me. Before, I was very boring, had no friends, and was not confident. I was a loser but when I entered college, I saw magic happening to me. I did things I never even thought I would do. I gave my first speech in front of 300 people, I wrote my first article, and I participated in several activities and those things made me a very different person. I learned leadership qualities. I explored everything, tried my hands at painting, and learned a musical instrument. I became confident and had a vibrant personality and the most important thing I made a lot… a lot…lots of friends. I was very happy but things change fast.
Everything changed upside down. In the third year of my college, I made some mistakes, I didn’t study, and had an ugly fight with my people. People who used to always be around me went against me. Till grade 12 I was alone but secluded. I used to enjoy time with myself I never needed anyone. In college, I got emotionally dependent on people but after those ugly fights I was again all alone but this time was not secluded but lonely.This all happened in my last year of college, all my friends were gone. That didn’t break my heart but it broke my personality. I was in a situation where I was unable to cope with my loneliness. I completed my graduation but wasn’t happy because I didn’t have anyone by my side. Except for my family.
Now worse was coming my way. I got hit by post-graduation depression and didn’t get placed on campus moreover unemployment was the biggest issue back then and even now. After graduation, I spent my year thinking about what to do next, and how to get employment I didn’t see anyway out. Then I decided to move out to a different city for further education but there also the combined result of Homesickness, loneliness, and depression made me miserable. I was in pain… physical pain… mental pain. Because of the depression I had weight loss, stopped doing things that made me happy before and lost interest even in breathing. I experienced many terrifying things. I always used to be stressed out, and would cry the whole day, my brain was on a loop of thoughts. Everything was messed up no more I was a musician or an artist or anything. I lost the ability to think good, I would always think negative and would feel hopeless, helpless, and useless. When I would be awake reality of my life would haunt me and when I would sleep nightmares would haunt me. I was completely stressed out and no more wanted to live. 2 years back I was a very much motivated confident person who wanted to travel the world and do everything that exists and now I don’t even want to live. I gave up on my dreams, and my passion, gave up on myself. I was in a dark tunnel and lost the strength to drag my body out of the tunnel.
One day my parents and my inner voice said “Enough”. My body and brain needed a doctor who would help me to muster the courage to stand up again because I was unable to do it by myself. I visited a psychologist even I was confident that anyone cannot help me. Done with the first session, she told me that I will be okay…I started crying in front of her! Then in the next session, I vomited my brain out and everything that made me miserable. After a couple of sessions, not everything was good but at least I was getting clarity. Again, after some more sessions I started gaining my confidence back at least I got hope to start all over again. I got the strength to fight for my dreams again.
Due to the lack of awareness and education about Mental Health, people hesitate to seek help but in the end, when we are sinking, we need some hand to save us. The importance is not given to mental health as much as it should get. All over the world, many campaigns are being conducted to spread mental health awareness. Some websites like “Live Love Laugh Foundation” help to educate and provide helplines to get. There are some communities where you can visit personally and can share your story so they might help. “Listeners Army” is a community of people who aim to make India #depressionmukt. The volunteers try to be patient and kind to listen to your story and sometimes letting your thoughts get out helps a lot. If nothing’s working, a helping hand is needed because even on the battlefield of Kurukshetra the Great Warrior Arjuna needed Krishna to show the way. Seeking help is not a bad thing so don’t hesitate and let’s talk…
By: Shweta Lohar
Also Read: Mental Health for university students
