I must be the son of God. I am unstoppable. This must be what it means to unlock human potential. My thoughts kept toppling over one another, trying to make sense of this surge of intense energy coursing through my veins. “I have an exam tomorrow,” I voiced internally. But do I need to study? I have already been gifted eternal knowledge ensuring my success in all walks of life.
Let’s run like a bolt of lightning instead! Orange shirt, check…karate orange belt, check…sunglasses, check. Even the sun shone brightly, smiling down on the university campus as I strolled over to the playground wearing this unusual combination of clothes. People watched but I was unperturbed. I was enjoying the strange stares and reveling in the glory, my glory! As if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders overnight, and all that was left was this godly energy and radiance. The afternoon was just as exciting as the morning that came before. Crying, laughing, and burning. And how I talked!
My friends roared with laughter at each joke. My heart was full for the first time in two years. My social anxiety had completely disappeared in the span of a single day. I silently thanked my Father for this gift. No, not my biological father but my actual father, who resided in the heavens and was surely looking down upon me. It was all going well till sunset. As night approached, enveloping our campus in her dark veil, my charms seemed to stop working momentarily. My friends seemed slightly frightened by me, or were they genuinely concerned? Well! Who cares? I took my guitar to the security guards and played them a melodious tune. My voice came out like the angel’s choir. What a performance! My whole body was burning and my mind was filled with filthy thoughts of sex, revenge, and brutality! The night rolled on but I couldn’t sleep. God’s energy cannot be tamed. They don’t need sleep I kept mumbling to myself. The next day will forever be the most lamentable day of my life.
Although I remember most of the details, writing about them today makes me feel utterly ashamed. After a particularly fierce episode of hallucinating, fighting, and being tied up, I was thrown into an ambulance and heavily sedated. The next thing I recollect was waking up on a clean hospital bed with my parents beside me. The doctors told me that I have Bipolar Disorder and this is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. The cuts and bruises from last morning’s misadventures still stung as I quietly lay there, resigned to my fate. It has now been over one year of regular medication and counselling since my first manic episode. Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder that affects more than 10 million people in India every year. It is associated with alternating episodes of manic highs and depressive lows. Be kind because you never know what the next person might be going through.
By: Debarghya Roychowdhury
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