Her eyes are wide open and fixated as she opens the rusty, squeaky drawer and pulls out the pendant. The feelings aren’t the same as the first day she held it in her hand. Her eyes aren’t focused on the pendant. They are still roaming through the Kaash blooms, searching frantically. Something sinister overpowers her. A vicious thought envelops her mind.
-“Where are your bangles? Why did you take them off? “Her mother asked angrily
-“Go and put them on! And where’s your bindi? How many times have I told you to adorn yourself? Don’t you see how beautifully Brinda adorns herself? The way she speaks, the way she walks…any boy from our village would want to marry her. And look at yourself. Silly girl! What’s the value of a woman who can’t attract men by her grace and gesture?If I see you again like that, I’ll make sure your father throws you out of the house”.
Uma gave her mother a stare and went in. She put her bangles on, calmed herself down and sat down near the window. She loved gazing at the stars and the open sky. The boundless clouds drifting carefree used to give her a sense of freedom. An impulse to escape all these boundaries, an urge to run away.
Through the restless nights, she’d wait for the afternoons: her favourite time of the day. Because that was when she could go out with Nandita. That afternoon was no different. Uma left her home for the Kaash flower bloom, situated away from her house. Away from the sense of suppression, the society and its restrictions.
Her mother would nag her every day for going out of the house. She wouldn’t pay any attention to all the nagging and scolding. Because that was the only time of the day when she could meet Nandita: the only person who could understand her. They have grown up together. They’d roam around together, chat a lot, spend hours together. They’d meet at the Kaash bloom every day, religiously. Both of the teens used to endorse adventures and shenanigans together. They’d wander off to distances the womenfolk of the village weren’t supposed to go. They had explored all the hidden trails in the village that almost nobody else knew about. Nandita always found comfort in her best friend. Uma made her feel very important and valued.
Though Uma treasured her, she didn’t share the exact feelings. As she grew up, she felt very different around Nandita. Whenever she saw her dark brown eyes, her kohl-black hair, her divinely beautiful face, she felt unusual unrest within a sense of calm. It was very mysterious and immensely satisfactory. She couldn’t guess what happened to her around Nandita. But this realisation always scared her. How could she feel that way for her? And what would Nandita think of her if she ever expressed her true feelings? What if she gets angry and disgusted? What if she loses her and their friendship forever? All these questions forced her to stay quiet about this. She never spoke about her actual feelings to Nandita. She couldn’t bring herself to do so. But the feelings were unalterable. They were pure and stronger than any other emotion she had ever felt. Sometimes she thought, maybe it was wrong to feel that way for another girl. But the feelings were so overwhelming that any sense of shame or regret didn’t stay in her mind for long. She hoped to express it to her someday… Someday, when she would lose the fear of losing her.
She strolls out of her house. Her face is blank and emotionless. She couldn’t think of anything except for this recurring malevolent thought that she couldn’t erase off of her mind. But she didn’t have the strength anymore to fight a battle within herself. Or to judge the sanity and outcomes of her thoughts. She wanders aimlessly through familiar roads-everything seems unknown.
As usual, she escaped to the Kaashbloom that afternoon. She was sitting on the grass looking up at the sky. Nandita wasn’t there yet. The sky that day looked prettier than ever. It was Chaturthi: Goddess Durga was on her way to the mortal realm. The setting sun had painted the western skies with its beautiful scarlet hue. Its vibrant rays were even making the white kaash flowers blush pink. The river looked divine as it reflected the vermilion sky.
-“I am going to confess my feelings to her someday. But how? Should I keep beating around the bush until she realises it herself? No. I am going to tell her the truth about the feelings in my heart. I know we have a special bond. Otherwise,why do I feel such way about her? And how do I know what she feels about me? Maybe she feels quite similar but is too ashamed of it and doesn’t want to tell me?” Uma’s pulse hastened as a faint ray of hope illuminated her mind.
-“I know this is forbidden and probably sinful, but I can’t keep this to myself forever. Someday… Someday I will profess my feelings to her.” The white cranes were heading back to their homes. The kaash flowers swayed rhythmically in the chilly north breeze. Everything looked unearthly beautiful, but something was missing, Uma realised.
-“Nandita! Where’s she? Why didn’t she come yet?”
The sun was almost down, and it was getting dark fast.
-“What could’ve possibly happened? She didn’t say she wouldn’t come today. Maybe I should go to her house and check…” She hurriedly got up and paced through the tall grass when she saw Nandita running towards her. Uma could see that she was distressed. She came up to her and started panting.
-“What happ…”
-“They want to marry me off to the village head’s son.” Nandita replied before Uma could complete her question.
-“What?!” Uma was stunned. Her dream had started to crumble.
-“But…but you don’t want that, right?”
-“Of course not!” Nandita bursts into tears.
Uma’s eyes lit up. There was still hope. Maybe this was a sign from Nandita’s side, she thought.
-“Then speak up against it! Tell your parents that you don’t want to marry that guy. You remember what we heard about him, right? About those girls? You can’t marry such a monster! You’re mi… my best friend.”
-“Do you think my parents can speak out against them? They are so powerful. “
-“But you have to stand up for yourself.
-“Me…?”
-“Yes, Nanda.” Uma holds her hand, her touch warm and comforting on Nandita’s cold hands.
-“Why don’t you understand? They can do anything. What if they hurt me, bestow harm upon my family?”
-” Then can you assure that they will be noble towards your family after marriage? Can you guarantee that the monster will transform into a saint? You can’t. You should have the freedom to express your decisions. You aren’t someone’s puppet. You have to speak up for yourself. And I promise I will stand beside you, forever…”
On the way home, the two teenagers were accompanied by silence. Both of them were trying to assess the situation from their perspective. Nandita was desperate, but Uma was optimistic: she was not going to lose Nandita. She couldn’t imagine otherwise. They reached outside Nandita’s house. As she was about to walk in, Uma grabbed her hand and said -“Let’s run away, together.”
-“Are you out of your mind?!” Nandita jerked her hand off. She yelled and ran into her house.
Uma walks back home, confused. Her mother was furious.
– “Is this the time to come back home? Have you decided to become completely immoral and shameless? You do this one more time and I’ll break your legs!”
Uma listened expressionlessly. Her mind was occupied by something else. She couldn’t sleep that night: she tossed and turned in bed, still troubled by her thoughts.
“Did I say something wrong? I don’t think so. That was totally logical. But then why did she get angry?… Maybe I should not have said that. Maybe it was too much. I shouldn’t have said that so bluntly. I guess it sounded too callous.”
The next afternoon she went to the Kaashbloom, almost not expecting Nandita to come. It was maha shashthi the next day, and the whole village was decorated. So she slowly strolled through the streets, observing everything. But when Uma reached their spot, she was pleasantly surprised to find Nandita sitting there.
-“You came early. I thought you would not come after what I said last evening.” Uma said.
Nandita smiled, and turned towards the river and said, -“You remember how we used to plan to steal a boat someday and escape this village to explore the outside world?”
-“Yes I do. Very clearly. But could you tell me what happened first?”
-“This morning, the village head and his son came to our house to see me and fix the date for the wedding. They were so disrespectful to my parents and the son tried to touch me. I slapped that bastard and told him that I’d never marry him and that I’d run away instead.” Uma was pleased.
-“So… What’s the plan now?” She asked. Nandita turned towards her and grabbed both of Uma’s hands
-“Uma, let’s run away,”
Uma couldn’t believe what she was hearing, but she decided not to express that she was shocked as that might remind Nandita how big of a deal that decision was.
-“Exactly at midnight tonight, meet me at the ghat under the Burflower tree with all your belongings. Just bring a little source of light with you and blow it off once you reach to the spot . Make sure to be very stealthy. We’ll go home early today, and make sure you behave very ordinary. No suspicious actions or words. And yes, remember, exactly at midnight.” Uma explained the plan.-“Ok. So we should head to our houses now.”
-“Yes. I’ll see you later. And everything’s going to go well, I promise” with this, Uma turned around to leave when Nandita stopped her.
-“Wait! I almost forgot. I brought this for you. I made it myself.”
It was a chain with a beautiful wooden night flowering jasmine as a locket. Those wooden edges were not skillfully polished. One of the petals had a tint of smudged orange on it.
-“A pendant!”
-“You like it?”
-“This is the most beautiful thing I have ever recieved as a gift!” Uma wrapped her hands around Nandita in a warm embrace.
– Nandita smiled, “At midnight.”
-“At midnight,”
As decided, both the girls left their houses, miraculously unheard by their parents, for the ghat. The ghat was close to Nandita’s house, and she reached there before the fixed time with a small pouch of belongings and some money that she stole from her parents. She was extremely nervous. She stood under the Burflower tree. With her heart in her mouth, every minute felt like an eternity. The spot was twenty minutes walking distance from Uma’s house. She left her house at midnight and halfway on her trail she suddenly realised:
-“The pendant! I forgot the pendant! How can I leave without it? But Nandita must be waiting at the ghats.” A tough decision to make in such a situation.” If I run very fast and be very careful, maybe I can make it within ten more minutes. It’s too precious to leave behind.” Uma threw her belongings to the ground. She turned around and ran as fast as she could towards her house. She was determined to make this plan work.
But fate had something else for them. That same ominous night, the village head’s son and his friends were heading home through a trail near the ghat at midnight, completely drunk and high on marijuana. One of them suddenly spotted Nandita from afar and notified the head’s son. He looked over, squinting his eyes, and saw Nandita standing under the tree. “She thought she could run away from me? What a fool! Now I’ll show her what happens when you slap someone from the ruler’s clan.”
Uma ran towards the ghat as fast as she could. She had managed to fetch her pendant and also grab her belongings on the way. When she reached the fixed location, she heard a short scream. It sounded like it had been muffled halfway through. For a moment, she thought she heard stuff due to intense anxiety, but soon she heard a faint moan. She sneaked out towards the direction of the voice. It was coming from the Ghats.
Her heart almost stopped when she saw what was happening. She froze in fear, horrified. Nandita let out another short but blood-curdling scream before someone stifled her again. Uma stood stoned, her hands and feet went cold, and her vision got blurry due to her tears. She had never felt that helpless ever before: all she could do was stand and watch silently as those demons violated and assaulted the girl she had valued more than anything else. Streams of hot tears rolled down her ice-cold cheeks. Incapacitated, she watched as they carried Nandita to the river and threw her into the water. Sasthi: the day of awakening had already begun. The day when the Goddess is welcomed. Uma almost blacked out and fell, obscured from their view by a bush.
The next morning, the news of the body of a young girl retrieved from the river by a fisherman spread throughout the village like wildfire. Only a few observers stood by as the devastated parents lit their young daughter’s pyre. The village head and his son with their men stood there and watched, passing smirks as they thought that the horrific reality would be a secret forever. Unknown to them and everybody else, the sole eyewitness was alive; but barely alive, not living, as Uma was destroyed emotionally. Her dreams were torn apart and demolished. Uma stumbles over a log and falls. The small bruise on her knee makes her aware of her surroundings. Two days have passed since the horrific incident took place. Uma has withdrawn herself from the rest of the world. Last two days, she didn’t let a single step out of the house, much to the pleasure of her mother.
Nandita’s memories haunt her everywhere, the Kaashblooms, the river banks, the paddy fields. Uma looks towards her right. Little girls are giggling and frolicking, and the dhak players are swaying in rhythm.
It’s Navami-the day before immersion. The day when Goddess Durga slew the demon, restoring peace and harmony. The idol stands tall amidst them, her trident piercing the demon’s chest. Uma gets up and walks towards the ‘Puja Mandapa’. Something exotic and powerful draws her. She looks at the idol of the Goddess. As she stares at Her face, time seems to slow down, and the surrounding around her starts to dissolve.
“The three realms were radiant in the radiance of Goddess Mahalakshmi. Her crown was kissing the sky, and the abyss trembled under her power.”
The hymns echo inside Uma. The idol has never looked more alive before. She clenches her fists as a surge of energy passes through her.
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For a moment, the world seems to drift apart. Uma hears nothing but Nandita’s helpless cries. Memories flash before her eyes. She sees the lifeless body of her love clad in white cloth, A mother crying her eyes out and a pack of beasts flashing wicked grins.
She jolts back to reality. The numbness inside her fades as her purpose becomes clear. This time she knows what she has to do.
She walks back home with a rooted determination and a promise to not regret or judge herself. She’s still disconnected from her environment, but this time because she’s plotting her moves ahead. Her mother noticed her behaviours. Fortunately, Uma’s odd actions were not that significant for her mother to be bothered about. So, she didn’t give any thought to it: ” she just lost her best friend, that’s it. She’s gonna get over it soon.” Over the next day, she emotionally and morally prepares herself to execute the mission.
Finally, Dashami arrives. Maa Durga is ready to leave. The womenfolk of the village were offering sweets, sindoor to the idol. The beats of dhak played the tune of departure.
As the sun starts to set, Uma takes off her bangles, anklets and earrings to make herself as quiet as possible. She ties up her hair tight into a bun and removes her bindi. Her mother is at their neighbour’s house, and her father is out somewhere drinking, just like every other man in the village. She reaches under her bed and pulls out a shiny, big knife, the one she had sharpened last night. She pulls her saree up to her knees so that she can move faster. She grabs a shawl, wraps it around herself, making sure to cover her face well, and leaves. In the dimming evening lights, she takes the most secluded trails that lead towards the village head’s house.
By the time she reached there, it was already dark and difficult to see. But that added to her benefits. She quietly crept around the backyard bamboo fencing close to the village head’s paddy fields, looking for a way to enter. She suddenly locates a gap in the fence, probably kept for the ducks to go in and out. But it was a bit too small for her to crawl in. So using both of her hands and all her strength, she distorts the surrounding fence creating enough room to slide in. She crosses the backyard silently and swiftly, aided by the shadows of the Bakul trees, and reaches the window of the nearest room. Slowly putting her hand inside and slightly shifting the curtains, she takes a peek. She knows that the head is already out of the house to supervise the preparations for the immersion ceremony. And by a stroke of luck, his mother is not around. The door to the room is open, and it looks like he’s dozed off in the bed. She comes around to the doorway running, takes another look into the room by poking her head in. No, nobody else is around. She quickly gets into the room and slowly closes the door and bolts it while keeping an eye on him. The room smells heavily of smoke and alcohol. She tiptoes close to him and takes out her knife. Her ears are ringing, and her hands are sweating profusely. But she wipes them off on the shawl to make sure she gets a good grip on the weapon. She raises the blade directly above his neck. The wicked man looks remarkably helpless in his sleep. Uma does not give heed to his helplessness in the same way he didn’t bother about Nandita’s desperate pleas.
She feels the same jolt of energy passing through her. The one she felt when she looked at the Goddess’s face. Uma plunges the knife deep into his neck, warmblood splatters across her face. He opened his eyes in a sudden shock only to discover his fate. With several quick but powerful stabs, the job was done. He wasn’t given a chance to let out even a single scream. It was unexpectedly fast.
The lifeless body lies with its eyes wide open, terror flared on them.
She is tired, but she decides not to pause here. She takes another quick look at him to make sure he is not breathing anymore. And then swiftly opens the door, leaps out and bolts it from outside. She hears the drummers getting ready at a distance and realises that the ceremony will be commencing soon. She takes off through a trail that leads towards the pandal, grabbing a piece of rope on her way.
Later in the evening, as Dashami ends, the immersion ceremony begins. The Goddess has already left her earthly home for her heavenly abode. Heavily drunk men are swaying with the music of dhaks. The Goddess looks like an idol once again, inanimate and lifeless. A mix of contrasting feelings of happiness and melancholy was in the air. But amidst all the chaos, something that goes completely unnoticed is a bloodied knife tied on the idol’s fourth left hand. The cart reaches the ghat, and the idol is brought down for immersion.
Sitting on the opposite bank and facing the ghat, she observes, as the light from the lanterns faintly illuminates the idols. Her face shimmering in shades of raven under the moonlight oddly resembles the vermilion-smeared faces of the women in the village. Married women put vermillion on one another, celebrating womanhood. Red, the colour of feminine, the colour of fertility. The same red that dripped down a devastated Nandita’s knees on that unfaithful night.
Uma gazes at the Goddess and then at the demon as the idols are immersed, trying to figure out her position. She’s no more the girl who ran through the kaash blooms holding Nandita’s hand.
By: Ipshita and Debadrita
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