I was stupid thinking that I was living a perfect life as an apple. I didn’t know my secret nickname was “doormat” because I was buying the girls candies I couldn’t afford believing that it would make them like me. My fake friends would enthusiastically call out my name to make me feel like I was a dear friend to them, though they actually only called out to me when they themselves felt lonely or needy. Meanwhile, I had been scoffing at the other students who looked like loners thinking I would never be in their situation, not knowing that I was actually one of them. I didn’t realize that 8th grade would become the chapter in my life where I suddenly transformed into a tomato.
If I had to sum up my 8th-grade nightmare in one word, it would be ‘unapologetic’ because the mean girls who bullied me all throughout the year never apologized to me. I was amazed by the blatant shamelessness of their behavior. I hoped that the teachers would be able to see through their fake smiles and false actions. But no one ever did. I felt like I was owed an apology from them because their bullying left me so mentally drained and burned out from stress by the end of the school year that I was pushed to the point of clinical depression. For nearly a year, I had silently suffered alone for months, enduring their rudeness and toxicity. There was a time when I couldn’t even go to school for a week because I was so traumatized by the bullying. Despite this, the school staff did nothing to relieve the situation and this exacerbated my sense of hopelessness. I cried constantly. I cried in the bathroom during recess, I cried while by myself in my room, and I even cried sometimes while walking. Most of the time, I blamed God for him putting me into this situation.
At home, however, I behaved towards my family the same way as the mean girls did towards me. It was cowardly of me, and I began hating myself for slowly becoming a monster. I decided that I didn’t want to be an apple like the bullies. I wanted to become a tomato. I felt like I needed some guidance, so I decided to seek help from my science teacher because he seemed to me to be the most trustworthy out of all my teachers. I was taken aback by his expectant greeting as I stepped into his classroom. He said warmly, “I was waiting for you Jueun. Wondering when you would come.” Although he spoke kindly, I began to feel nervous. Still, I decided to stay and talk to him. The long silence between us at the beginning was so still that I think he could hear me swallow. Then he gently tapped me on my back softly saying, “Are you okay?” That single gesture made me cry again, and I felt like I was back in kindergarten. All at once, the words gushed out of me and I couldn’t stop talking. I talked quite fast and for so long, but my science teacher didn’t say a single word until I finished my whole story. I told him that I wanted to become a tomato-friend to my high school friends, not an apple-friend. He was confused by what I was saying, he asked “Jueun, what do you mean by all of these apples and tomatoes?” And I said to him, “I don’t want to be a person who is red on the outside and white on the inside like an apple. Instead, I want to be a person who is the same both on the outside and inside — like a tomato.” After he listened, all he said to me was that the first thing I could do is to rethink my life. At that moment, the bell rang and all the students started rushing in and it was time for me to leave and go to my own class. But I began wondering to myself what exactly he meant by “rethink” my life?
I reflected on my past life choices since the 4th grade and decided to make some notes to myself to organize my thoughts. I thought about my personality and my character. I realized that I hadn’t been the kindest person in the past. I could remember how, in 4th grade, I would often mock someone for having to sit alone to eat. At that time, I thought I was making myself better than others by doing this. Looking back, I suddenly realized how much I had hurt others’ feelings so unthinkingly and so carelessly. “Rethinking” my life in this way didn’t change my outward appearance, but my mind and my perspective shifted completely. Suddenly, I didn’t feel angry at the mean girls anymore, nor did I cry like I used to. Instead of blaming God, this time I turned to prayer asking God for forgiveness for the pain I caused others.
From that point on, my school life was hard but I felt it was manageable. I cannot say I have fully become a tomato but I am doing my best not to repeat the mistakes of the past. Instead of seeking revenge for wrongs done to me, I instead learned to move on from bad situations with more kindness and understanding. Instead of seeking popularity, I looked around me to find friends that I could give support to, rather than friends who would feed my ego. Reflecting on my journey I see that ‘rethinking’ isn’t about drastic outward changes, it’s about realigning my heart and actions with who I want to become. In 2025, I still hold the same goal: to be someone whose outsides and insides match, someone authentic and kind — a tomato in a world of apples.
By: Jueun Lee
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