Redemption of Heart
As I frantically pressed the brakes, I realised that all hope was futile. At this high speed crashing into another car was inevitable. It was good that I declined my mother who had only until recently began showing sparks of interest in me, not her, otherwise I am sure she would have been disappointed while I would be guilt-ridden for causing her to be in harm’s way. I know it was my mistake to go well past the defined speed limit but I had to take responsibility for my actions.
As I quickly changed the direction of my car, it swerved uncontrollably and the sound of screeching tires filled my ears. Hope and fear clashing like swords within me as the car crashed in the roadside barrier and toppled over. Glass windows as clear as fresh water shattered and many pieces of this glass pierced my skin as if taking me into their embrace. With the doors not functioning properly I pulled myself out of the car from the broken window, blood oozing out of my wounds. My breathing pattern became ragged as I could feel my eyelids as heavy as an elephant closing.
As memories began flooding my mind, the most common thing among them was the back of a lady walking away without even batting an eye to my figure as a child crying floods . I remembered how I used to throw tantrums or overwork myself to the point of exhaustion just to gain recognition of Lady Lunabelle Christopher, my adoptive mother.
Having a golden spoon in my mouth I could have the world at my feet. Yet I desperately yearned for what people considered normal, that is familial affection. The lack of family love and the uninterested behaviour of my mother always caused me to be left alone in the dreadful coldness of solitude. Only until recently did I feel like the perpetually increasing distance between us began to reduce yet now once again we might be separated like before with the only difference being that this time the goodbye would be forever.
People used to shower me with gifts and praises but none of it could fill the void in my heart. Sometimes while watching children walking on roadsides while laughing and chatting with their parents, I would think that if possible I would trade away all my wealth for gaining familial affection. Yet as the memories flashed before my eyes I realised that no matter how much a person views the world through rose-coloured glasses, the reality remains as cruel as an executioner as even in these moments I was yearning for my mother as I got reminiscent of our past. My vision was enveloped in darkness as my eyes closed, falling into what felt like eternal sleep.
Feeling a faint tickle on my skin, I regained consciousness. My body felt numb, heavy and soggy. I opened my eyes, my vision still blurry, to see that the tickling sensation I was getting was due to a heavy downpour. The clouds that seemed to be rumbling with dissatisfaction before now seemed to be crying bitterly as if sympathising with me.
I could see some people standing around me, their faces blurred, rummaging through my stuff, I believe trying to find an emergency contact number or other information. Though it was cold, I oddly enough felt a warm sensation unlike the coldness of utter solitude that I had become too familiar with. Only later did I realise after smelling the metallic scent of blood that this warmth came from being embraced by my very own blood.
Ironically despite being gravely injured I felt calm. Despite being gravely injured I felt calm, peaceful and tranquil, unlike my stressful, monochrome life. “It would not be so bad to stay like this forever,” I thought to myself. With this thought in mind, I once again closed my eyes and fell into the depths of unconsciousness as the muffled sounds of raindrops and people worked like a lullaby.
Beep! Beep! Beep! I found myself waking up to the monotonous sound of a machine. A strange was all I could say and an unfamiliar scene unfolded before my eyes. A herbal scent of medicines, white walls and ceiling shrouded in darkness, and a large window were located on my right side. I could see a faint light in the dark sky, signalling that daybreak would take place just a little while later. Everything was so still and calm that I pondered whether time had stopped.
I was dumbfounded to find myself alive and breathing once again and it would be a lie to say I did not regret it. My body felt sluggish like I had been lying down for an eternity.. ‘How long had I been asleep’, I thought. An hour, a day or two or longer? My head throbbed with pain as questions flooded in. I tried to sit upright but as soon as I got up, I quickly fell back on the hospital bed only to experience gut-wrenching, inexplicable pain.
As I agonised in pain, a sigh escaped my lips and my expression contorted when suddenly the door swung open and -THUD! There was a loud sound of files dropping to the floor. A figure hurriedly came running towards me and hugged me tightly. Upon a closer look, I was astonished to see that the one who hugged me was my adoptive mother, a cold, stoic person with no tears and a heart of stone. Not even in the most heart-wrenching situations did she ever display a single glimmer of emotions on her expressionless face.
Flabbergasted by this unfamiliar warmth and gesture I stuttered, unintentionally using a formal tone, “L-Lady Lunabelle why- no how did you get here? Were you not supposed to be in a meeting of the directorate in Los Angeles instead of being here in Sydney? Suddenly the arms clasping my shoulders loosened and my adoptive mother moved away a little revealing a tear-stained face. Her beautiful sapphire-like blue eyes were red and swollen probably due to crying and had dark circles beneath them. She had lost some weight causing her jawline to be more visible, giving her a sharp look.
Even in such haggard state her angelic beauty was nonpareil. Sobbing she said, “What…. what do you think were you doing, driving so recklessly alone? Do you know how my world shattered when they told me you had been involved in a car crash and were admitted to the nearest hospital? You were out for 13 days straight!” Perplexed by the sudden emotional outburst of my mother I was unable to adjust to this newfound reality and found myself blankly staring at her. To ensure that I was still sane I hit myself hard in my abdomen. Only when my body racked with pain did I realise that it was not a dream but reality itself.
Now as I, for the first time felt the warmth I had so desperately longed for, I felt a bitter taste in my mouth. Was it so easy to achieve what I yearned for? Is familial affection something that can be given and taken away at one’s mood swings or whims?
As I pondered my mother brought me food to eat and pushed a spoonful of soup in my mouth. Her movements were stiff and awkward but I could feel the genuine care behind those actions. The way she gently blew on the steaming hot soup so I would not burn the insides of my mouth and the way she had arranged my favourite daffodils and pink camellias by my side. As the awkward silence continued between us, I decided to be the first one to break the ice.
I swallowed my saliva and asked, “ Mother why are you here treating me so gently when you could have ignored me as you have done all those years”. As I spouted such words, my mother’s face contorted as if a blade had shredded her heart. I knew it was cruel and harsh but I wanted to be sure of my feelings and hers. I wanted to show her all the resentment, towards my situation and her, that had piled up in my heart.
After contemplating for a moment she said, “I know this might sound like an excuse and a very poor one at that but believe me when I say that it was all for you –”
“All for me? All those years I believed that your lack of attention towards me was because I was not worthy of it. What do you think caused that self-loathing?” I flinched as I realised, I had gotten swept away in emotions and had raised my voice involuntarily.
As I closed my eyes expecting to be reprimanded I, instead of being scolded received a gentle pat on my head. I opened my eyes to see my mother looking at me with a nostalgic smile on her face. “My dear you have grown up to be more and more like your father” she said. I flinched at her words since from my childhood days I never remembered nor heard about my biological father nor I had a father after adoption. “You see what the world knows is that you, Maybelle Christopher, are my adopted daughter but what they do not know is that in reality, you are the daughter of my deceased brother and sister-in-law, who were poisoned 20 years ago.”
At her words I was left bewildered. Not even in my wildest and strangest dreams had I ever imagined any such thing but before I could dismiss all of it as gibberish, mother chuckled and continued talking. “ At that time only a small number of people within the family knew of your existence so to save you from being targeted you were welcomed into the family as an adopted child who was taken under the Christopher family wing to elevate their image in the eyes of the public.” Although what she said was a painful truth to her but strangely a relieved smile hung on her face as if though a heavy burden from her chest had been removed.
“To remain true to the motive I used to remain uninterested towards you in front of others but as time went on, even before I could explain the truth about our relation to you, you distanced yourself from me. My heart writhed with pain as I saw your gloomy eyes but for you, who was my only family in this brutal world, I was ready to do anything as long as it ensured your safety.” At this point even though she claimed that what she did was for me but still I could not forget the pain of utter solitude and the scrutinising gazes I received from the world while she silently watched me as if watching a play.
Even though one might call me revengeful but I wanted her to feel the same desperation to gain attention and affection from your loved one that I felt. I wanted her to feel the same anxiety Ihad felt not knowing when the other person might bid farewell forever. I had made my resolve as firm as steel that no matter what excuse she may give today for ignoring me, I would not let her off the hook so easily.
“So here I am now, even though nothing can tantamount to the loneliness you felt but I would like to ask you to forgive me and give me a chance to correct my mistakes by restarting our relationship from the beginning” she continued. When the words entered my ears, the flames of revenge burning passionately in my heart extinguished. What was left behind were the remains of the fire that had once ignited from the wish of being saved from solitude and developing an affectionate relationship .
Each word that came out of her mouth stirred a storm of emotions in my heart. As the graveness of her words sunk into me, I realised that I was never alone rather my mother, who was protecting me from all the dangers of the world, was always there for me though not on the forefront but in the shadows, away from the watchful eye of the people. As the realisation hit me hard like a truck, I could not stop my flowing tears as both me and her bawled our eyes out.
That day we earnestly began our relationship again. Even though I could not completely eradicate the resentment piled in my heart, I decided to give our relation a chance of redemption once again. What has been done, has been done and the focus should be on spending a good time together in the numerous years ahead of us. Without a doubt a new story had just begun as we felt the unfamiliar yet familiar warmth of each other’s body seeping into us and swelling our hearts with our newfound happiness.
I was publically welcomed into the family once again but now not as a ‘fake’ but as the adopted daughter and biological niece. Soon after upon reaching a mutual agreement my DNA test was conducted and the results were used to prove the blood ties between Lady Maybelle or I should say my mother and me. It was done to remove any doubts in the eyes of onlookers who pointed fingers at me for forgery and slander. I was declared the sole heir and successor to the Christopher business chains and a new chapter began in my life as I began a life with a whale of a time with my mother.
From all this I realised that waiting on others to mend relationships can lead to regret in later years as emotional distances increase leading to increased misunderstandings. It takes courage to step forward and address misunderstandings but it is better to try your best for improving relations while you can rather than paying the price later on. Just like courage is required to make amends, time also plays a significant role as a panacea. For time best soothes the deep wounds lying under the facades of buoyant smiles. However while allowing the person on the other side to sort out their thoughts it is necessary to continuously nurture and care for the relation that is like a newly sprouted sapling.
By: Mishaal Noor
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