Bridging Moments
Dear Younger Self,
It is me Khushi Joshi from alternate universe (2024). You must be shocked and wanted to ask ‘is multiverse real?’ as Avengers: Endgame.
With these years I had hugged many experiences, some are good and some are worse but one element is surprisingly common that I learnt many lessons and I and trying to make a beautiful chiaroscuro on this canvas called life. I am becoming wise day by day but I miss you too. Sometimes my new values are forcing me to lose you. But I cannot lose you as your foolish and naive perspectives act as a curiosity through which I try to find how this world works.
I cannot say that world will become easier for you as it never does to anyone. To be honest life loves to kiss you with surprises and adjustments. You run behind something but obstacles come and leave, later you are left in a vulnerable condition. You know how life is right now, we all are together and connected through invisible wires, world is global village but still we are lost somewhere and maybe I am also one of them.
You will find new people and lose your old loved ones. Your future (in which I am living) is completely different than your today. It would be nice for me if I was little kind and flexible to accept that changes are normal. I advise you to think from heart because being practical is just unable to argue when you are debating within. The series of questions are asked which were never emerged before. It feels like a court room where you are playing three roles. You are culprit (ashamed one) another role is a rude lawyer who beholds only faults and past mistakes and accuses everyday that whatever happened is just because of you. The last role you play is role of judge and you pass judgments every single day but at the end you get only regrets.
I miss those days when I have no regrets but then I brush it off and say “maybe life was easier in past”. You think your problems are huge trust me they are just small tickle.
My last advice is that you should stop trying to find substitutes because you are unable to handle your life. Do not try to distract yourself, it will not help instead you will become cripple. No one can take place which Baa (Grandma) and Dada still have (I am using have instead of had because they never left you). They reside within you, in your heart, memories, and poems and in your daily routine when your subconscious mind begins to follow their habits unintentionally. Always value those who are standing beside you in every weather let it be sunny morning or gloomy night.
Listen girl, I do not want to motivate you because living a life is not that difficult and if you want motivation for this easy task then no one can help you. I am turning 23 years old this Saturday (26th October) and for that I cross my heart I will never let you die, your childish curiosity will be living inside as in reality you are my true soul mate.
Khushi Joshi
9:34 PM
22/10/2024
Dear Baa (Grandma)
When you left this materialistic world, you were pretty old 84 years old, such a long life. But it still feels like you left early. You know when someone dies; other people came with unasked advices. Often, they suggest “you should think practically, she was so old with health issues, she lived a full life”. Maybe you lived a full life but not with me because I was born in the year of 2002 and we were together for only 22 years. And these 22 years cannot be called full life at least for me.
Yeah, I am sounding silly and my whole argument is pointless. But that is how you behave while dealing with heartbreak cause this broke our hearts. Do you remember how I and bhai were annoyed when you didn’t let us watch Marvel movies as you wanted to watch your favorite Guajarati movies.
I am not fan of Crime Patrol and we used to laugh at your obsession. For every case there are different police officers’ characters and among them your most favorite was Sunil Kelkar (Mumbai police). Now I watch his episodes only. And who could forget Airport security air on National Geography, you were crazy about it.
I miss those days when we three, you, maa and me lying on bed while watching old bollywood songs on Masti music channel.
I miss those sweet fighting that we had and at the end we began to giggle as school girls. How we use to tease dadu and all those gossips about people.
You were always funny, energetic and cracking jokes when no one was expecting such things. You were like a teenage girl, little carefree, goofy and wild. I miss you.
Once, someone came for wedding invitation and he got scared because of welcome ceremony hosted by ‘Puppy’ (an adult stray dog who used to stay near our house). It was winter afternoon so we were under the sun and witnessed this commotion. During this welcome ceremony we were giggling as we cannot control it. It sounds rude but we were wild.
Life serves bitter sweet moments but you were always hopeful. You find reason to smile and giggle and spread that to others even in gloom. You are magical. Maa says I am like you, it feels like 40% of you reside in me. I promise that I will never let you leave me from my within.
By Khushi Joshi
P.S: – your favorite Guajarati song “Jaye ane java do” become my favorite too.
Dear Dadu,
“I promised him I wouldn’t cry when it was your time to leave.”
Lyrics from Grandpa told me so
(Kenny Chesney)
On the next 29th Jan it will become 3 years and life without you is still tough. It feels like you left us yesterday. There is no single day passed without remembering you, let it be anything from delicious and your favorite “Ghughara” (Guajarati stuffed dish) to Kishore da’s evergreen songs.
Whenever maa scolds me for being carefree, I just smile in vain as a peacock. As I had been a pampered kid only yours “Babuchak”. Well, let me clear it to you I do not regard your love and care as a reason for me being spoilt kid, it is all on me. But I miss that attention you gave me. No one can take your place, my heart is like a garden, and plants grow as I make new connections and they are genuinely great people but their presence cannot substitute that evergreen tree. You are my evergreen tree, still in my garden.
Whenever, I wrote some creative piece, you always gave me a warm hug, kiss on my forehead and supportive head pat. You used to read my essays and the end of it you would sign, to be honest it is an autograph for me. I still brag among people that how amazing you were and even you are still remembered as “Joshi Saheb” in our hometown.
Your obsession to try new things never let you grow old; it could be anything from watching Hollywood movies, trying Maggie, watching Counting cars and Pawn Stars on history TV 18. I miss those days when we used to watch DNA (Daily News and Analysis) that time Sudheer Chaudhary was anchor of the show. After you are gone I stopped watching it.
People say you have to move on, but your memories are not my weaknesses they act as oxygen. Since the day you left everything just changed. I am still carefree and childish but your physical absence gave me a new perspective. Before that I was only living, for first time I saw the value of life which is broader than just materialistic gains. I observed the process and death and it was not a sort of black hooded entity that comes at instant to devour the prey. It was a slow process, my eyes were tired as they wept during your painful encounter with death (your last stage of cancer got worsen). We found ourselves as helpless as medicines and treatment cannot work on 84 year old worn out body. We were reading religious script praying for your easy death. Whole year I was depressed, was unable to focus on my studies. Perhaps, I needed some time to accept. Then it became normal but baa (Grandma) also left us.
If someone asks me what an ideal couple look like? I will reply like my Baa and Dada. Modern love revolves around expressing love through direct things like buying gifts, kisses, hugs. But your love never needed these as you expressed it indirectly which was more romantic. You were not sweet and perfect couple, you fought a lot. I still remember when baa was telling something important later you remarked “huh what” she would got angry. You are little deaf but still she loved to share things with you. And she really needed your company so she left us.
I miss you guys, your absence have taught me that life is about finding identity and doing something good for others. I love U.
Yours Babuchak
Khushi Joshi
Dear Future Partner,
It’s me Khushi Joshi, your future partner. We never met and I don’t know you. But I’m still writing this letter to you, don’t think it is a love letter as we never been on a coffee date. Perhaps, a long list of expectations is waiting for you. Don’t worry boy, I am not planning to crush your identity beneath my dreams but I expect same amount of generosity from you too.
My childhood was not that happy, I had seen some dark moments of marriages and as being the victim of child abuse, it is still difficult to forget those nightmares. It feels like I am still there, struck at a loop of TVA (Time Variance Authority) from Loki series.
Honey I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or worship me as a queen. I don’t want your 100% attention, just a few minutes of understanding is all I want. I am not framing a plan to use my trauma as an emotional atyachar.
I want a relationship where we both are honest and healing each others. My romance sounds like Jane Austen’s novels, but trust me I don’t want you to be nodding your head for my sassy behavior. I know, that the world is filled with unique souls and I always hated uniformity, it makes life boring. Our distinct experiences and opinions will share a bonding value that will shape our lives. Yeah life will be tough because adjustments are not as flexible as they appear. Tsunami of conflicts will emerge but our understanding will not let our cruise to sink in the pacific of failed relationships. I used “UNDERSTANDING” because for me it is love as I want real commitment not school girl’s romance.
Now it is time to show my crazy and not so much known side. I believe in love but I am scared to trust. To be honest, I have no idea do I believe in love or not cause trust is another side of love. Love cannot bloom without watering trust, but my past still decides my present as I have seen many loveless couples. They are living as an ideal couple fulfilling social expectations but their real face is hidden under shinny veil.
My mother says “my maa says not every relationship ends like that some are eternal love.” Maybe she is right but I am scared. I got many proposals but I accepted none because I am waiting for you. I don’t regard you as Prince Charming but I know you will free me from my past. You will help me to fight with every circumstance. And I also cross my heart that I will be with you for your every decision.
Love you
Yours only
By: Khushi Joshi
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