Unspoken Goodbyes: Navigating the Shadows of Grief
Often, I have heard people say that memories are precious — they are to be cherished forever and I agree but, what to do of the memories that have scarred you for life? How to erase the memories that haunt your dreams? How do you exorcise the ghost of the past that has irreversibly tainted the present?
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“We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.”
~ William Shakespeare, “The Tempest”.
I grew up in a nuclear family. Both of my parents are employed and I am their only child. Though my parents tried their best to spend quality time with me, growing up caged within the four walls of my room was tough and loneliness prevailed. As a child, I was a socially-awkward introvert. I had no friends in school. Not that I did not want to befriend someone, it’s just that I didn’t know how to. My favourite time of the year was the month of May. It was because we had summer vacations, which meant that I could stay at my maternal aunt’s house and spend time with my cousin — Abhi dada, who was the coolest cousin ever. He made the lonely feeling in my heart disappear without a trace. He filled the void with mirth and merriment. My childhood would not have been so memorable if it wasn’t for him.
As we grew up, we grew apart. Abhi dada started focussing on his career while I was on the cusp of becoming the social butterfly that I am now. But, we used to stay in touch. He was always there for me when I needed him. He taught me to be bold and brave. He taught me how important it is to do what I want. He taught me to find happiness in the littlest of things. He showed me how beautiful life can be. I found solace in the conversations that we shared. I looked up to him.
On 19th December, 2020, I got to know that Abhi dada was admitted to the hospital due to serious heart complications. I requested my parents to take me to meet him but unfortunately, the hospital only allowed adults to visit the patients. My mother promised that we’ll go to meet him as soon as he returns home after a swift recovery. But, he never returned home. On the next day, the hospital authorities informed us that Abhi dada has had an unexpected heart attack. They said that his condition was extremely severe and only a miracle could make him cheat death. I could feel the ground beneath my feet tremble, my hands becoming numb, my heart pounding in my ribcage, my head spinning — I could feel my world crumble into a million pieces.
I never cared about the existence of a divine power or ardently followed any religion. I never prayed to God or asked him to grant my wish. But that night, I bent down on my knees, joined my hands and bowed my head in front of the idols and images of different Gods — helplessly crying and desperately begging them to save my cousin’s life. As dawn arrived, we got a call from the hospital. Abhi dada had passed away.
When I saw his corpse, I could feel my heart ache. His vivacious countenance now seemed pale and unrecognizable. I felt like I was experiencing a nightmare how do you wake up from a nightmare when you’re not asleep? Abhi dada had ambitions and goals which were left unaccomplished. I saw those hopes and dreams burn into ashes along with his corpse.
I visited his house only once after he passed away. I went to his room, sat on the chair that he once sat on, skimmed through the books that he once read, stared at his photo hanging on the wall as I realized that my life had become so dull without the shine of his eyes, without his lustrous smile. I could feel his presence lingering in the breeze. It felt as if he was everywhere but just not where he should be. I wanted to time travel and relive the moments that we had spent together. I wish he taught me a way to make happy moments last for a lifetime.
I still dream of him. Most people would claim that they are nightmares. Every dream has a different beginning, but the same ending — he abruptly vanishes into thin air, without saying goodbye and I keep on looking for him, yelling, screaming and calling out his name. Abhi dada once told me that he didn’t like to say goodbye. He said goodbyes are painful but little did he know that the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said. I still wake up with red-rimmed eyes and a trace of salty tears on my cheeks, everytime I dream of him.
People say, “Whatever happens, happens for good”. They say, “Every cloud has a silver lining”. Even now, my optimistic soul relentlessly searches for the “good” because the gloomy aftertaste of the nightmares never fades. Is it wrong that I still hope to find the “silver lining” one day? He taught me to look at the bright side in every situation and I don’t want to let him down by giving up.
I do not know if heaven exits or if an afterlife actually occurs but, if Abhi dada has an afterlife, I hope he gets to fulfill all his dreams.
Dear Abhi Dada,
If you are watching me from the skies above, I hope I can make you as proud of me as I am of you. I want you to know that as long as I’ll live, I’ll be living one life for the two of us. Until I see you again,
Yours
Truly,
বোন।
By: Srija Bandyopadhyay
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